


If I Only Could

by oppressa



Category: The Killing
Genre: Detectives, Drabble Collection, Episode Related, F/M, Gender Roles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-04
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-21 21:56:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1565435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oppressa/pseuds/oppressa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some drabbles about their differences of opinion and ways of working separately/ together. Complete multi-chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gathering of Information

**Author's Note:**

> Rating may change later, I guess. Really want this to be shippy in some way so here's hoping! Title from, y'know, Kate Bush, Running Up that Hill.

  
He's not ashamed of the way he baited those schoolgirls hook line and sinker, but he has a feeling she'd disapprove if she knew. He doesn't think she'd be pissed enough to recommend they kick him back to county, though he hopes not, 'cause he kinda likes Detective Linden, even with the gigantic stick up her ass. Anyway, it don't matter, since it looks like he's hit the fuckin' jackpot here, plus he's never going to _tell_ her how he found this place. Maybe he'll just saunter over to where she's casing the cage, and say she left too soon.

 


	2. Making a Statement

  
She guesses he could be good, with a little fine-tuning, a little more finesse. It's going to be a long time coming if the way he knocks on doors is anything to go by. She tried first and he rolled his eyes, pounded on the entrance to the janitor's building with his stronger fist. That infuriating smile flashes again. She gets what he's saying, that she's too gentle in her approach, that she follows all the rules. But Sarah hasn't exactly toed the line at all times in her career. _Maybe you'd be surprised, rook_ , she thinks, taking the lead.

 


	3. Failing at Trust

  
All she's seen is him cutting off a couple of hushed phone calls, getting in and out of the same car a few times with his hood pulled up. Yet the paranoiac in her senses that something's going on, it's just she hasn't quite figured it out. Then the crime scene photos leak and Jesus, she _knew_ his explanation for having those bills was false. She follows him, finds out what he's actually got to hide, and her damn phone has to ring and give her away. Still, after that she's glad direct accusation is more his style than hers.

 


	4. Taking the Blame

  
He glances anywhere except at her, turning what happened earlier over inside his mind until he can't stand it any more.  
  
“Why d'you lie about the wire tap?” He blurts out like he totally hasn't been busting to ask all day. “I mean, thanks and all, but I'm a big boy, I don't need you to step in for me.”  
  
“Oh, so you seriously wanted to stand there being laid into when we could be getting back on track with the cell phone records?”  
  
Yeah. Whatever. He should've realised she wasn't doing it for him or anything nice like that.

 


	5. Learning to Wait

  
Holder is impulsive, using brute force on the meat locker, making his suspicions of Bennet Ahmed blatant, losing the patience to secure a proper warrant. The annoying thing is, that's how you get results. She's been here for _years_ creeping around her superiors, carefully compiling evidence that has to stand up in court. She becomes frustrated, sure, sometimes the itch to just _act_ is undeniable. She goes home thinking she hasn't done enough. But he'll learn, like she did. You need to go about things in the right way, otherwise your hunch may be confirmed and still come to nothing.

 


	6. Getting in with the Physical

  
Linden, Linden, Linden. He can see she'd like to strong-arm the bad guys just as much as he does, how disgusted she was by that rich kid Jasper, skater trash Chris. She only tells him to rein it in 'cause she wants a piece. It's not possible for her, she's just so little, if there's any muscle on her it's hidden under loose fitting sweaters and slightly tighter jeans. He guesses she gives as good as she gets with the odd verbal burn but if she wanted, he'd hold them down till she got her kicks from it, no problem.  
  



	7. Going Undercover

The case is straying further and further into Vice territory, and that's more his old ground. She's not worried about him freezing her out, because he's not like her in that respect, however she's a Homicide cop and doesn't love working in other areas. She knows it's just sex, but the website gives her the creeps, the expensive clothes, those poses, the pretence this business is somehow high class.

He comes in to find her staring tight-lipped at the screen.

“Chillax, Lind.” He says, pointing out the photograph of the supposedly French girl. “I got this thing, if you want.”

 


	8. Spilling your Guts

  
Rooks are like, one of the least disposable pieces on the board, or that's what he always told himself. Nonetheless he's been used and discarded after submitting _fake fucking evidence_ , falling victim to his own sense of emptiness and greed. He just wanted validation of having made it at this, to be seen as her equal without taking the high road, the long route. Now no matter what he says it's not going to count for much, she won't open the door. _Linden, please. I need to see you. I need your help. Matter of fact, I just need_ you _._  
  



	9. Using your Intuition

What she tells him in the car basically amounts to the fact they can trust no one but each other. She wants him to straighten out what made him switch Rosie's backpack with his, though she's already got half the story from Oakes.

“I don't know, he told me to use a different guy to normal, the one you usually do. I just thought it was funny, is all.”

“You took the initiative.” She says, “Good.”

“Yeah?” He says weakly, pathetically grateful for the praise. His limbs are still shaking from the adrenaline rushing through him up on that bridge.  
  



	10. Opening your Home

While she's finishing in the bathroom, he slinks in. He seems to have regained most of his confidence, both in working with her and standing so close she can see the hazel veins in his brown eyes. Though they're not full of concern like they were earlier, and she appreciates that.

“Do you mind?” She asks lightly, conscious of her son probably-not sleeping just one room away.

“I'm glad you came here, y'know?” He says, embarrassed but casual. “'Stead of somewhere else.”

She half smiles, and brushes his side where she promised she wouldn't touch him. “Nowhere else to go.”  
  



	11. Finding a Fox

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... _I found a fox caught by dogs, he let me take him in my hands/ his little heart, it beat so fast, that I'm ashamed of running away_. Kate Bush, Hounds of Love.

They left him beneath a tree like a savaged animal. She wasn't there at the time, having been forewarned and chased away but she gets an impression of glaring headlights, brutal kicks and arcs of spit which makes her so unspeakably angry. Beating Holder senseless is meant to make them stay out of the reservation, but she knows he's going to take it in his stride even if he'll be taking it a bit slower for a while. Watching him sleep in the hospital, she feels a fierce sense of protectiveness, without being altogether sure where it has sprung from.  
  



	12. Providing a Distraction

  
_Wait in the car_ , yeah right. He has to come after her, can't leave her to deal with those bitches all alone. He can at least attract all the security so she can slip away to the elevator unnoticed. Hopefully. Roberta Drays is here, and he needs to keep her talking for as long as possible, give Linden time. Last he saw Bobby, he was at her feet being roughed up in the extreme, but she won't set anyone on him here, mustn’t scare the customers. _Fuck you_ , _honey_ he thinks, backing up, _you're being screwed even as we speak._  
  



	13. Planning an Out

They put him in the hospital, her in a psych ward. He tries to hold her eyes, as taking her hand might...unbalance her, or something. He understands she can't just snap out of it, they've got her on some real downers right now. Somehow she breaks through, asking him not to leave her, and Jesus, no. He doesn't know what kind of abandonment issues Linden has, aside from her moms and stuff, but just no. She got a whole search team out looking for him in the woods. He owes her so much, giving up is not an option.  
  



	14. Needing to Scream

  
There are times she thinks, _What am I doing with you_ , and then can't believe she's still capable of being that dismissive of him, that cruel. What he's doing with her is the more relevant question. Anyone else would have asked to be reassigned by now, and probably gotten their wish. But he's being sweet to her, so careful, treading on eggshells. She tongues the hole in the lid of the coffee he got her, not saying anything to break the tension. She wants it to be back to the way it was, but with this case...there's no way.  
  



	15. Winning a Victory

Breaking into Gil's, he didn't consider that revenge. He just needed to be on the up against his motherfucker of a sponsor. How it is now, he figures vengeance is more seeing the prick in the mayor's office and being able to ignore him because this is Linden's show. These are the people that set up Richmond, that nearly ended his career with that photo and now she's giving it to them right back. Damn. He bets they wish it never existed either.

Later, when everybody's stopped breathing down their necks, he digs into his pockets, gets her a cigarette.  
  



	16. Closing the Case

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Men kill with guns and knives. Women poison their victims, general rule.” Sarah Linden, Season 2, Episode 12.

The second Gwen gets in the car with them, it seems she was never the obvious choice. It was her colleague at the casino that night, who killed an innocent girl to hide that he was mired in corruption. Holder's blank-faced and calm after the shot, even when told he'll be investigated. You don't feel regret over a cold-blooded coward.

Terry Marek's a different matter. She's been lying to them every time, but she loved her niece and shakes in her sister's arms, broken. Linden fixes the cuffs around her slim wrists gently, sorrier for this whole family than ever.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season 3 drabbles might be a little slower in coming as my iTunes sadly lacks it. But thanks to people who are reading and I hope you're liking enough to stick with this!


	17. Waking up Again

  
He misses her for months, and then, when she's back like she never left, resents it. It sounds so corny but he's _grown_ since she went, working with Reddick, solving seven out of seven, maybe making sergeant if he studies hard enough. It's like she's come to shake him up, make sure he's not getting complacent. Okay, part of it is that she seems to be happy now, with her house and her boy toy and Jack's dad allowing him to visit and whatnot. But she's shutting him out about the old case, the decapitation, he knows that for sure.  
  



	18. Faking a Change

He's looking better than ever, or better than he has since Nicole Jackson's pack made a mess of him, anyway. She likes the new style, even if it's still the same old Holder looking her up, giving her shit about Cody.

She doesn't like walking into their old office and seeing her side of the desk cluttered with some other guy's stuff. Nor that her former partner seems to have gotten comfortable with that, but what can she do? She can't be seen to begrudge him this.

She also gives the folder back, because she doesn't _want_ it any more.  
  



	19. Having a Past

  
She's slept with her partners before. With the Lieutenant, no less. Skinner's married and at least fifteen years older. He's not judging, but the knowledge doesn't exactly thrill him.

He goes back to Caroline, tries to push Sarah Linden out of his mind, to concentrate on his girl's fingers on his skin again, tracing his ink.

“Really appreciate you, babe.” He whispers in her ear.

She nods and sighs, sitting up on his stomach. “Your next one's gonna be, 'lucky', right?”

“Funny.” He grunts, pushes her into the bed. The unfunny part is, she doesn't know how true it is.

 


	20. Staying in the Car

  
She doesn't know what he's saying to those punks, or vice versa. Bullet keeps on chattering like nothing bad's gonna happen but she's tense as he reaches for the dog's snarling muzzle, and Sarah's gun hand is down at the back of her hip, until it licks his palm.

In less than two seconds the girl's acting like she always knew he'd be all right. Sarah relaxes back, one eye still on events in the ditch. She's reckless when necessary, but it's almost like Holder gets off on it. _Great_ , she thinks, _they'd better be telling you they saw Kallie_.  
  



	21. Letting it Ride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a little bit of Glassjaw's 'Her Middle Name was Boom' in this chapter. Maybe it doesn't notice but if it does to anyone, high five!

She's scary when she's like this, super full-on, her voice adopting that desperate, repetitive note. Angie's traumatised, if she was ever going to tell them anything that doesn't sound like an urban legend she's not any more. He tells her as much and they argue in the corridor, like old times.

It'd be easy to think the way Reddick does about her. Hell, he lets himself, sometimes. He figures they're past even, with everything they've done for each other. He doesn't want it to seem like if she's waiting they leave, so he lets her go. They'll make up later.  
  
  



	22. Being a Hero/Heroine

  
How could he have thought about her like that, like she wasn't his friend, even for a second? He's the one that pressed the pastor too hard and maybe tipped him over the edge. If she's dead by the time they get there, he might as well, might as well just fuckin' die.

Her hair's bright by the water and Christ, why is she being a hero, shielding this killer who took her for some sick trip round Seattle?

He calls her _Sarah_ , hoping she'll get the message like he got hers, knowing she'll only stop endangering himself for him.  
  



	23. Protecting a Friend, part 1

  
Mills' weight is tackled off her and she staggers upright to see Holder's on top, ruthlessly using his knees, his fists. He offers the smaller man's body for her to hurt, making her stomach drop in a way which bypasses her brain and then she's taking revenge for herself, Danette, and Kallie.

Once Joe's overly subdued he comes to check her face, asks if she wants him to clean it.

Mills mutters something in which the term pussy-whipped is audible and she has to drag on his sleeve to keep him with her.

“Just call it in, please.” She breathes.  
  



	24. Protecting a Friend, part 2

  
He doesn't speak on the way back to the station. She'd followed him out of the storage locker to find he'd vomited, and the car stinks of it, over and above the cigarette smoke. She just wishes he'd listened to her, but there's no way she could've prevented him seeing it, in the end. Bullet's mutilated body, stuffed inside a trunk.

“Look, I could take you home.” She offers, falteringly.

“I need to see him in the box.”

“Maybe that wouldn't be a good idea.”

“Give me a break, Sarah.”

Okay. Okay. But she won't leave him alone for long.  
  



	25. Destroying what you Built

  
She's so sincere telling him there's nothing he could've done for Bullet, even more so trying to convince him he hasn't just fucked everything between them with his misjudgement. If there was ever a good time, it wasn't now but she was so close, face inches from his. So much thought's gone into how he would kiss Linden yet that's what forces the attempt.

She stays a little longer, but he's unresponsive. She empties the ashtray, straightens up some furniture. Leaves the spare key on the counter, so she _is_ freaked. He'll be recovering from this one on his own.  
  



	26. Running out of Road

  
She battles back and forth with Seward while Holder slopes around outside, reminiscing about the days he wasn't loyal to anyone like this. Bond with the kid, she'd said, hoping to lighten the load. His father is just so much hard work. Too much. She finds herself giving up and running. This is where the road ends, hopes pinned and shattered.

Holder's there, giving her the all-seeing insight into herself, and really, who is he to do that to her? Except for maybe it's what he told himself to get here today; _this is still your job, no matter what_.  
  



	27. Revisiting an Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Couple of double drabbles to finish this. One of a romantical nature, at last.

“Listen, Linden, you know when -”

She stops him right there, sure of what this is going to be about. “Don't. You were distraught,” – _drunk, confused_ – “you wanted contact. I got it.”

“You're wrong.” He says, hotly. “It wasn't about that. I know, I said I was sorry, I wouldn't do it again, but the truth is –” He breaks off, biting his lip.

 _Truth is I would_. She sits absolutely still another second, then turns towards him, mirroring their positions on his couch that night. _Go again then_ , her body language says, softly.

Just in case he's going to lose his nerve and back out with a _yeah I fuckin' gotcha there, Linden_ , she moves first, leans forward and catches his mouth.

God, she wants Holder. It's been there from the beginning, almost, since he swaggered in, all over everything, then nearly destroyed their working relationship and slowly earned back her trust by being there for her, every single time.

He tries to deepen the kiss, too enthusiastic, and she draws away, smiling.

“That a mistake?” He asks, but he's kind of amused by himself, too.

She shakes her head. “Well, if it was, what's another mistake at this point, really?”  
  



	28. Pulling the Trigger

IA are fucking nuts. Guys like him are their crank, and they want to score. It starts off like last time, all reasonable, _have a seat Stephen_ , and then quickly descends into bullshit. Always some other agenda. He can't get to her again, except this time he's locked in instead of locked out, panicking.  
  
They say something about seeing his shrink, and his lip curls, remembering Sarah in that hospital, but it gives him an idea. Holder squares his shoulders. He hasn't got to where he is without rattling a few cages, however, sometimes it pays to play the game.

  
* * * * * * * * * *

  
It all comes down to a twist of fate, Skinner's breathtaking arrogance in giving his daughter the ring. He says he never wanted any of it to happen but she thinks he planned for them to be here when she tore herself apart.  
  
He didn't have Adrian and underestimated Holder's ability to escape IA. Yet he could still get under her skin enough to make her shoot his heart.

“The Chief.” Holder's moaning. “Oh Jesus, we're both going down.”

“Not you.” She says, but he gives her the grimmest look. It seems he's with her, inextricably, until the bitter end.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! Hope it was somewhat enjoyable through all the angst. I raised the rating to M pretty much just for the shockingly frequent swears that I forgot aren't actually canon through out.


End file.
